The Miseducation of Cheryl Cole

"Nope, ah divvna hav a cloo waat 'at is, tell uz man...oh, Smells Lieke Teen Spiret? Ah've nivver herd o' it pet."

It came to my attention over the weekend, and I’m sure many of you also, that “national treasure” Cheryl Cole doesn’t know squat. About anything. Each week on The X-Factor, at least one person involved gets a little over-excited and says something they’ll regret and get hammered for in the press. Last time around, it was ageing mental-case Louis Walsh describing Paije as “a little Lenny Henry” when everybody knows that nobody could strive to be as unfunny as Lenny Henry.

This weekend, Miss Cole let slip after Paije’s performance of Elton John classic Crocodile Rock that she wasn’t “familiar with the song.” Let me get this straight, Tweedy. It’s The X-Factor. You are a judge. It’s Elton John Week. All judges know beforehand who is singing what so you can, y’know, judge it. And you didn’t bother to listen to the original?

I can understand this. I mean, it’s not as though she says much when most of the performers are done anyway. She has barely said a thing about any of Wagner’s performances for example, instead deciding to offer a snide comment before just giving up and looking away. I think a little constructive criticism would be great from all involved – it doesn’t matter if the guy can’t understand English. Or Geordie.

Unlike the Lenny Henry thing, I don’t think any of the major papers or celeb media outlets have bothered with this revelation, which again I can understand. I guess many in the X-Factor audience would not have heard a lot of Elton John – they’re too busy screaming in One Direction’s general direction 24 hours a day. They have plenty of time to grow up and scope out real music. Cheryl though, has not had that luxury. She was placed into a manufactured girl “band” when she was 19, and has been in the media glare ever since.

She’ll have had her own Girls Aloud pop shoved down her ears so much in the following years that she wouldn’t have wanted to listen to anything else, to give said ears a break. Then, of course, young Ashley probably serenaded her all the time (well, when he wasn’t busy) with something from the London grime scene. Or some garage, dancehall or ragga jungle perhaps. I don’t know what Ashley Cole listens to but I bet it’s fucking awful.

So, I’m glad she’s not been knocked too much over this whole “I don’t know about real music” thing. She has missed out, and so we should help her out. So here I have picked a few songs I assume she’s never heard. She should try and make the time to listen to them.

No. 1: The Beatles – Help!

A nice and simple one to start off with Cheryl. These are THE BEATLES. Yes, that’s how you spell it. I hope the lyrics are suitable for you. Word of warning though: don’t go publicly confusing them with Oasis or anything, or you might be the one having to defend yourself in a club toilet somewhere.

No.2: Elvis Presley – Blue Suede Shoes

Elvis wasn’t just an actor or a fan of burgers you know. Watch this video, Cheryl, and pretend this is The King’s X-Factor audition. Now I know his legs and face don’t shake about as violently as Aiden Grimshaw’s, but at least he gives it a good bash here. Enjoy.

No.3: Led Zeppelin – Stairway To Heaven

I know what you’re thinking, Tweedy. “A singil oot ats eeeight minats lang?! Ah havven a scooby hoo yoo cud av an attenshun span at lang, pet! It’s nit woath it like.” Now I think about it, I’m seriously about 100% sure she’s actually never heard this before. ‘Sake.

No.4: N.W.A. – A Bitch Iz A Bitch

Surely, surely, Cheryl Cole has heard some rap, right? And I don’t mean Cher Lloyd rap. That doesn’t count. Maybe Cole has kicked back in her fly crib and chilled out to some Eminem, or Jay-Z. Most likely, hopefully. She probably wouldn’t know the Wu-Tang Clan if they came up and stabbed her in the face. Going back, she’s perhaps never even enjoyed the delights of Rapper’s Delight by the Sugarhill Gang. Shame on her if she hasn’t. Ultimately, I think that Cheryl should definitely get out some N.W.A., and so I’ve given her the gift of this song. The lyrics are sublime:

“You can tell the girl who’s out for the money, she looks good and the bitch walk funny.”

“Are you the kind who think you’re too damn fly? Bitch, eat shit and die.”

And so forth.

No.5: Jimi Hendrix – Purple Haze

This is where I start feeling sad. Because if Cheryl doesn’t have the time to go through Elton John’s back catalogue when it should have been part of her bloody job to do so, I’m pretty sure she’s never bothered with Jimi Hendrix, one of the greatest musical performers in the history of the universe.

Cheryl, it’s real simple….

LISTEN TO SOME JIMI HENDRIX FOR GOD SAKE, YOU GOD DAMN IGNORANT BITCH!!

You’re welcome, Cheryl.