Space Crazy

The PM insisted in a phone apology that he did not incorrectly spell the name of planet Zuburis' Supreme Being, Zsavher Bjweruiupevcncer. He so totally did though.

The Telegraph reported today that a leading astronomer is warning scientists against actively searching for intelligent life, just in case aliens turn out to be complete bastards.

Mr Marek Kukula, public astronomer at the Royal Observatory in Greenwich, instead demanded that they should seek discussions with governments and the UN before they stumble upon E.T themselves and realise they won’t actually know what to do after the event, should it ever occur.

Mr Kukula is right of course. We have enough loonies here as it is (and enough people full stop, as it goes) without inviting more crazies aboard planet Earth. Maybe we shouldn’t be tampering with the order of the universe and should just let things slide. Other astronomers such as Dr Alan Boss (what a name) speculate that there are probably “a hundred billion trillion habitable planets” in the skies and so it’s inevitable there will be life of some sort somewhere else. It would however be a massive coincidence if that life was intelligent and could come into contact with us. We’ve maybe been around for about 200,000 years, but the universe is close to 14 billion years old (or only a few thousand years old, depending on what section of the loony scale you sit). And we’ve been sending signals into space for barely a century.

There are several conferences being held about the issue – one this week at the Royal Society in London entitled ‘The detection of extraterrestrial life and the consequences for science and society’, and one in April in Texas where astrobiologists will discuss new methods for detecting extraterrestrial life. At our current rate of technology, it would take 2000 years just to get a report back from a spacecraft carrying telescopes to distant planets light-years away so it’s not certain that these conferences will achieve anything. What is certain though, is that contacting governments here on Earth and trying to get serious discussion out of them is a non-starter.

Can you imagine a backbencher in the House of Commons bringing up the subject during Prime Minster’s Questions? Debate is a good thing – they manage to do such things in Bulgaria. But in Westminster? The giant bunch of blubbering morons known to us as MPs already heckle and splutter and scream like girls at the most pointless moments, and a science question of any kind could tip their vocal chords over the edge (a good thing though, right?). And it wasn’t long ago that the world community got together in Copenhagen to stamp their feet and fold their arms and throw their toys around in a huff before agreeing to disagree. Professor Conway Morris, who will be speaking at the London conference, pointed out a possible reason as to why we haven’t made contact with alien life so far: “If I were in their shoes, I’m not sure I’d answer the telephone.” It’s true – who would want to bother with us?

Nationally, people in power can’t come together and agree on anything. Internationally, it’s even worse. Galactically, it’s safe to say we have no chance in hell.

It’s only a game…

ToeJam and Earl: Not fans of porn.

“Violent video games are a much bigger negative influence on kids than porn”, so said, umm, a porn star last week. Adult film icon Ron Jeremy has been reading a lot of studies lately it seems, but he wouldn’t reveal which studies he got his information from. Of course, if Sonic The Hedgehog or ToeJam and Earl were giving keynote speeches at the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas they probably would have had the opposite view from Mr. Jeremy. But if an actual blue hedgehog or two funkadelic aliens from space were discussing porn, the media wouldn’t have jumped on it as much because that would take away from a story they love – the destruction of our kids at the hands of computer games.

This issue goes round and round in circles and probably will for a long time yet, but Jeremy was pretty spot on when he said the internet has changed the game and that kids are smarter with technology than many parents are. Many parents today didn’t grow up with the same advances children have had, and so that does lead to a danger because kids can use the parents’ lack of knowledge to get away with more. That needs to change, but it really should in the next generation anyway when the kids grow up and have children of their own. Unless the kids of today all grow up to be Wiki-dependant idiots.

The problem at the moment, as referenced on Charlie Brooker’s Gameswipe show last year, is that many still see computer games as ‘for kids’ when in reality they clearly have age ratings, just like the movies. If parents aren’t going to take responsibility and question the 9-year old child in HMV or Gamestation when he picks up an 18-rated game then it’s their fault. Kids always want things they shouldn’t have, like two copies of every Ghostbusters toy on the market, and too much Creamola Foam* down their throats. Maybe that was just my generation…

You can get free porn too easily on the internet (so I hear) and that is a problem. But to say that one is worse than the other is just petty. They’re two different products for different times. In fact I’ll stick my neck out and say I have no preference.

So let’s call it a draw.

* Thanks to being a Wiki-dependant idiot myself (I needed to double-check the spelling of Creamola Foam), it says on there that they’re BRINGING BACK Creamola Foam at the end of this month under the name Creamola Fizz! I’m so excited, I can almost taste the foamy goodness sliding down my tongue…

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- The last time Scotland played England at football, Scotland won the game 1-0. That was in 1999, and it was fantastic. However, the possibility was raised in the House Of Commons yesterday that the annual Scotland v England ‘friendly’ game should and could be resurrected in the near future.

The Scottish Secretary Jim Murphy was taking a question from independant MP Andrew Pelling about Celtic and Rangers moving to the English Premiership to “promote Scottish culture throughout the UK”. Mr.Murphy should have just replied with “You weren’t in Manchester in 2008 were you?” when Rangers fans invaded during and after the UEFA Cup Final. Instead, he revealed he’d spoken to the Scottish Football Association about Scotland v England games which would, in his view, better promote cross-border culture.

There have already been several differing views on the proposition, but there are clearly problems. First off, there’s simply no time in the football calendar for such a game, especially in the next few years. Scotland have decided to take part in a new Home Nations tournament (ironically not involving England) beginning in 2011 which will already take opportunity away from the Scots getting experience against other teams around the world. Second, Scotland v England games are never friendly. The annual games ended in 1984 but you just have to watch any video packages or programmes about the oldest fixture in international football to see the chaos that ensued around them.

Unsurprisingly Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond got his nose into the story and suggested that, while he liked the idea of a return of an annual fixture, he was concerned that Scotland would concentrate too much on beating England rather than the more important issue of qualifying for the World Cups and the European Championships. Salmond said that he’d rather we were playing them in the later stages of big tournaments.

Sounds like a fair point. But Salmond would also know that since 1984, Scotland have gradually been performing worse in the international arena. In fact the one time we were closest to qualifying for the later stages of a major tourney (Euro 96), England happened to be in our group. Scotland have been pinballing around the same places in the rankings for a long time and it’s not feasible to say we can build into a major superpower. Yes, you can get an unlikely major win (such as Denmark in 1992 and Greece in 2004) but it doesn’t look like it’s going to be our turn for a good while.

It’s nice to try and show you’re in touch with the Scottish people by talking about football, but it’s really no business on the whole for politicians. They should be using their time on more important matters. It’s only a game after all…

Die Hard With A Leaflet

The skirting board accepted the man's apology when he confused it with a Labour activist.

The first full week of 2010 has seen the beginning of a slow-burning build-up to this years’  UK general election. I usually decide on the day who I’m going to vote for because I don’t like to give myself a headache if I can avoid it, but since taking a bit more interest in politics I figured I should give it a bit more thought.

Gordon Brown wants 5 more years as Prime Minister. Is that really wise? Is that really a tempting offer for the people, given what’s happened up to this point? A whole batch of his own colleagues don’t even want him in the job. He was the Chancellor for ten years and some would say bears pretty much all responsibility for the state of the British economy today. It’s fair to say, because it’s obvious even to someone with a passing interest like myself, that Labour has been full of lies, spin, manipulation, and failure to own up to mistakes for a long time. Everyone makes mistakes, and even the Cabinet are human (just). David Cameron, the leader of the Conservatives, seems to accept it when he boobs, but will he continue to do so if the Tories win the election? There’s a lot we don’t know about him – his interview on The Andrew Marr Show this past Sunday included a few too many umms and aahs when it came to promises. And of course there was the ‘tax breaks for married couples’ palaver last week. But with the gigantic mess he could inherit, do you blame him for being careful? It’s a big risk to take on someone that can’t quite promise anything, but is that worse than someone who promises to save the world then fails to deliver?

Labour at the moment is hounded by in-fighting and back-stabbing - none of those at the top of the party are representing anybody but themselves. To me, some of the ministers actually look like they could do a fair job in most positions, such as Ed Miliband, but when you have to watch your back every other second what chance do you have to concentrate on the job at hand? The Tories, although a little uncertain, at least seem like a team that could pull together when they have to. Labour look to be a spent force with ministers who can’t put differences aside to work together for the sake of the country, and everybody but die-hard Labour supporters can surely see this.

Talking about die-hards, one thing that puzzles is the utter blindness of people who back a political party to the hilt, even when they’re clearly screwing things up. For example, there’s more than a few people on Twitter (not naming names) who have used 99% of their 10,000+ tweets to support, defend and suck-up to Labour, and denounce anything and everything that opposition parties say and do. It’s all well and good putting a lot of your life to supporting something you believe in, but when it’s blatantly obvious that something isn’t right and you go round preaching to everyone that in fact everyone else is wrong and always will be, well, you just look like a bit of an idiot. Some of them look like really nice people too; unfortunately they probably have the personality of a skirting board. I wouldn’t believe a thing that came out of their mouths if they refuse to see that sometimes other people may actually have a point. It’s possibly worse than religious nuts wondering aloud why monkeys are still here if we evolved from them, because political nuts blindly believe something and totally run-down all opposition, often in a very nasty way.

Coming back to the point – there’s still a few months to go until the election and lots of stories to emerge before then. There are also the leaders’ debates sometime down the line (you know, the ones I said probably wouldn’t happen. D’oh.) which will get unprecedented coverage and could swing a lot of people. They shouldn’t. Because being in Government isn’t just about the personality, the ideas and the values of whoever is Prime Minister – it’s about working together as a team and knowing exactly what needs to be done in a clear and concise way across the board. And at the moment, Labour are as much of a team as Togo will be in the African Nations Cup, and the Conservatives are being very prickly about outlining what they will and won’t do if they win the election.

So where is my vote going? Answers on a postcard please. Because I have no absolutely no clue.

2010: The Year We Probably Do More Of The Same

The future is here! Kinda.

So, then. Twenty Ten. The big 2-0-1-0. It all sounds very futuristic. 2001 sounded quite futuristic at the time, but then Osama Bin Laden went and ruined the entire decade by advocating the same crap us humanoids have had to endure since the beginning of our history. The decade past will most likely be the one in which I consumed the most alcohol which is just as well really, because then I don’t have to think too much about how miserable it really was. Nope, when I quickly think about what happened in the Noughties (urgh) I go from Bin Laden and his crappy videos, to everyone elses crappy videos on YouTube; the majority of us giving up on speech because texting and tweeting means you don’t have to look directly at other people anymore; the rise of the Poles who came over and TUK OOR JEWBS!! before buggering off again with our money; and those massive factories that popped up all over the place and churned out nothing but unbearable singers and irritating knobheads who recieved way more than the 15 minutes of fame they didn’t deserve in the first place.

Also, Munchies are now almost 80p in some places – what’s up with that?!!

But never fear, for now we are in the tens. The teens. The teenies. The tweenies (oh wait no, they were the last decade). Whatever we’re calling it, things can only look up. The future is surely just around the corner, what with talk of wallpaper that controls the light in a room, iPod-track changing with a click of the fingers, and sensors attached TO YOUR SKIN which would assist in bringing up your email account, or fling toast towards your face or whichever equally ridiculous task you want the robot inside you to perform.

Anyway, I look forward to finding out what the next ten years hold. It probably won’t include dual carriageways in the skies or robots called Kevin running your bath for you. But it probably will include quicker technological advances to make the elderly feel even more useless than they do now, and a continuation of our brothers and sisters across the planet fucking things up in the name of whoever so that Ross Kemp can go visit them, which I’m sure cheers those suicide bombers up no end.

The decade may have begun with more of the same – terror at the airports, disgust at the weather, embarrassing reality television shows and childish insults being thrown around by all those political folks who should really stop being such utter smegheads and actually concentrate on doing their jobs and RUNNING THE COUNTRY…but I’m optimistic. 2010 sounds cool, so I’m determined to pretend it really is.

It won’t last.

Plane And Simple

Max was happy his owners' flight went ahead, coz she's a moaning bitch.

Frustration. Anger. FURY!!

Those are a few of the many emotions being felt by the thousands upon thousands of people across the country who are up in arms at the state of the roads, the state of the airlines, and the state of the train service. How dare the roads not be 100% gritted by 6am when I get up for work! How dare the planes not attempt to fly through almost concrete slabs of snow found in the skies! How DARE the authorities tell us we can’t go to France in late December for God knows what! Zut alors!

News flash – it usually gets very cold in December. It rains, it pours, it even snows sometimes. Yes, that often happens in April these days but you shouldn’t become complacent. There’s a fair chance that during December, roads are going to be chaotic and flights are going to be cancelled. The lovely Laura on the BBC and the luscious Lucy on Sky News even warn you about snow before it actually happens, so there’s little excuse. They aren’t just a pair of pretty, sexy weathergirl faces.

It pisses me off when people complain about others ruining their “entire Christmas”. You took the risk when you decided you wanted to jet off at the end of December for warmer climes. Heck, I have even less sympathy for those who fly away at this time of year…to go somewhere COLDER! That’s insane. Love snow if you want, but it really is just a pain in the ass. Especially if you slip up onto your backside.

An easyJet customer called Julz Mountford, 24, revealed that her flight to Switzerland was cancelled. She was going to meet up with friends and moaned that she’d no longer be able to visit her “loved ones”. Pfft, she was just jetting off to go get smashed in a villa somewhere. Well now you can stay at home and get blootered with family members instead. But what irritated me the most is that she and others say there has been no compassion, no apology, and no help in finding an alternative way out of the situation.

It’s fairly obvious there’s only two solutions, find another airline or go home. And again you can’t whine about it when you do find another airline willing to take you away but at four times the price. You were with a budget airline, so expect a budget service. The airlines can’t win – the public go crazy because something isn’t going their way, but if Mr.Airliner said, “Ah fuck it…send the planes up!” and then they came tumbling down through the snowy skies killing hundreds, they’d be bitching about that too.

It’s all about safety and common sense. Christmas time should be about staying inside and snuggling up or going to the local for booze and banter. Use the rest of the world in summer when there’s more chance of you getting there in one piece.

Things almost never go to plan when it’s snowing so I don’t understand why some always expect them to.